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Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a helo coming in over a Wadi near Baghdad.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When my Gulf War Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a barrier method" of some kind can kill you.

Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

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