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If it was a boy if would have been Jpeg." Helen Arney, Underbelly63"Scotland announce the slogan for their ambitious Winter Olympics bid: GLASGOW 2022: WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER." Dog-Eared Collective, Underbelly64"I live in London, my kids live in Southampton. Sending them to their room is a real threat when it involves hitch-hiking down the M3." Luke Toulson, Underbelly65"I wouldn't recommend tai chi for self defence, unless you're getting mugged by a mime artist.Which happens a surprising amount in Edinburgh during August.Apparently this means I am not a team player.” Josie Long on her first climbing exploit, Pleasance Courtyard50 “Being a lawyer just made up for being a lesbian.” Susan Calman on her career change from lawyer to comedian, Udderbelly Bristo Square (middle left)51 “I’ve been on Mock the Week – a non-speaking role.” Mark Watson, Assembly George Square52"God Save the Queen: someone who doesn't exist saving someone who shouldn't – like Super Ted saving Gary Glitter." Lloyd Langford, Assembly Rooms53"I didn't get both ears pierced because I don't like to prescribe to gender roles and because it hurt." Sara Pascoe, Assembly George Square54"Nobody starts something hoping it will fail – maybe a suicide bombing." Katherine Ryan, Gilded Balloon55"Cher Lloyd: looks like Cheryl Cole if she had been at the bottom of the sea for a week." Katherine Ryan, Gilded Balloon56"You cannot 'complete' the gym: it's like Tetris, but the music is not as good." Naz Osmanoglu, Udderbelly57"Although I've been called a slut many, many times: my mum's definition of a slut is different to everyone else's." Jessie Cave, Underbelly58"A woman in America has had the largest ever boob job to increase her breasts to 38KKK.
" Iain Stirling, Udderbelly15 "Alex Salmond says he's proud of Scolympians. What a Scarsehole."Matt Forde, Udderbelly, Bristo Square16 "You should never take the mick out of a nightclub bouncer.
These guys put themselves in the line of fire to protect us on a nightly basis.
Tally ho." Mark Smith, Pleasance Courtyard3 "I was very naive sexually.
"Joe Lycett, Pleasance Courtyard2 "I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with.
OC/DC.” Rob Deering, Pleasance Courtyard70"As a short man, I'm annoyed by the stereotype that all short people are funny.
So I'll be disproving that over the next 5 minutes..." Gareth Morinan, Udderbelly Bristo Square71"When I die I want my remains to go to my i Pod, my i Phone and my laptop.
I don't mean they die, they all move to Birmingham – which is worse."Lucy Porter, The Stand30"Walking down the Royal Mile is like scrolling through the mind of a failed actor." Chris Ramsey, Pleasance Courtyard31"Keep digging you'll find one eventually." Simon Evans on the Edinburgh trams, Pleasance Courtyard32"The tattooist said to me that she didn't believe in anaesthetic.
I said: 'I assure you, it does exist." Diane Spencer, Gilded Balloon33 "Google is like religion – you choose the answer that is right for you." Trevor Noah, Pleasance Courtyard34 "There are so many drugs in my system that I could be on the Chinese Olympic swimming team." Andrew Lawrence, Pleasance Courtyard35"I went to the hospital with my psoriasis.
I want to be left to my own devices."Gareth Richards, Pleasance Courtyard72"'Aged rum is a sophisticated spirit that should be sipped neat and savoured.
Not drowned in Coke like Whitney Houston." The Thinking Drinkers Guide to Alcohol, Assembly Rooms73"I can't believe that with all their money, The Spice Girls turned up to that concert in taxis!
What do you get when you add sunshine and personal space to a Brit? Add health care and education and you get a Canadian." Dana Alexander, Udderbelly Pasture24"My girlfriend worries about me cheating on a night out, but I always try to reassure her and say to her: 'Why would I go out and have a burger when I have steak at home?Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating